Thursday, August 1, 2013

God Will Give Us More Than We Can Handle

I love inspirational quotes, quick notes of affirmation, and catchy phrases. The ones that grab your attention hold you still for a minute and allow you to reflect on the good in your life or push you to do more with it. What I don’t like are words that are meant to inspire, but only bring about feelings of failure and misguidance. The ones that tell you if you hoped hard enough, pray long enough or follow the directions life will be easy, enjoyable and meaningful.

I refer back to the 14-months we lived in the RV frequently. (The Wilderness) To date it still is the worst time of my life. Not just because of its small space or location, but because I got a really good look at myself. The person that a year earlier was so dedicated to her Bible studies, her prayers, her family. I faced that same woman a year later and watched as she stood in a pool of her own blood wondering not if God existed, but why she should continue to follow Him when He’d obviously abandoned her.

I saw a void. A sad empty place that once burned for God and now was left barren both physically and spiritually.

And that’s when the depression set in. Not the kind I grew up with; always chasing me but never completely taking me under. It’s plagued me my whole life. Most of us have the feelings of sadness hit us or self-doubt. But depression for me was a heavy blanket that I could feel creep up on me. I would shake it off, but it might take a few days or weeks. It was nothing very serious, but when suicide is whispered at family get-togethers and names of family members attached, you realized that it’s not just in your mind. So I fought a bit harder.

But what came upon me in the RV was so much darker. Not only did I feel isolated from the world, but I pulled away from my parents, my child and my husband. I withdrew into a realm of online chat with meaningless banter and faceless usernames. They didn’t know me. They didn’t see my struggles. And the best part was they didn’t care. I wanted that. I didn’t want to put on false smiles or hear how things will get better. Or worse, how others have suffered more, making my own struggles seem small in comparison. I just wanted to escape.

Read the rest at Joy Comes in the Morning


1 comment:

Thanks for takin' the time to read my stuff. :)