Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Victories Come in All Sizes

I went to bed early last night, as I have all this week.  Okay that's only a few days but for me it's a start.  ;)  I'm usually in bed between midnight and 1:00 and up by 6:00 with a few interruptions in the night.  A sound 8-hours of sleep seems impossible most days, but in truth it's not.

I use the excuse of straightening up when the kids go to bed or spending 'quality time' with the husband (watching movies).  The fact is I need to stop looking at sleeping as a waste of time.  I know it's important.  I make sure my kids get between 10 and 12-hours each night and I can see the benefits.   I wish they took naps, but they rest during the day and bedtime seems to go smoother now that I don't fight them during the day to sleep.  (Whatever works.)  ;)

So this morning, after a full 8-hours of sleep I woke before the alarm and got ready for the gym.  It was cold and wet this morning.  Still dark outside at 6:00 and the coffee, couch and Kindle looked too inviting to turn down.  So I didn't.  With yoga pants on I curled up on the couch and read for an hour.  When 7:00 came I set out the kid's breakfast and read some more while the oldest got ready.  I made their bed, got the twins dressed and put away the breakfast dishes and back to the couch.

When the husband got my keys and headed out to take the oldest to school I stopped him.  It was a half-hearted attempt and one he almost turned down till he asked if I was going to workout.  "Yes, I guess."  Then he handed me the keys.  Not because he wants to push me, but because he wants to encourage me and said he'd workout from home and watch the kids.

As I'm driving the oldest to school I'm thinking about just heading home, or maybe shopping, anything but working out.  I just didn't feel like it.  Though the sun was out now it was still cold and wet.  I don't like working out on the best of days, so a drizzly one felt like all the excuse I needed.  <sigh>  I dropped her off.  I turned my car home and then made a quick turn towards the gym... which is just an alternate route home.  I could still pass the gym up if I felt like it.

But I didn't.  I pulled in to the parking lot   Sat in my car a minute and asked myself why I was here.  The membership fee is less than a fast food dinner for the family.  It's not like it's killing us.  I could just let it expire.  Okay, so my 40th birthday is only about 4-months away, but hey, I said I'd be fit at 25, 30, 35... what did it matter?  My husband loves me, all of me.  My kids think I'm great.  I have tons of friends who see past it.  Why am I here?

Why was I there?

Another minute passes.  Even with 8-hours of sleep I'm tired.  I can feel the depression seep over the already productive day.  I feel the extra weight pulling me down.  I know the moment I step out of the car I'll be pulling down my shirt, adjusting my sweater and generally feeling uncomfortable in my clothes.  I hate this.  All of this.  It's not who I see in my mind.  I love being active.  I enjoy sports, not the watching of them, but the participating in them.

I did major damage to my joints in school sports, but it shouldn't be what  holds me back.  It wasn't the end of my active life, it was just an excuse and one that got worse with weight gain.  Twelve years at a desk, twelve years of long commutes, twelve years of Dr Pepper breaks (okay that was not an issue) kidding!  <shakes head>  ;)

Then a child, then stress eating, then twins, then more stress eating.  Toss in depression, even suicidal thoughts and I woke up one day wondering what happen to the girl who hated to sit still?  The one who jumped at the opportunity to do things.  When did I trade in my tennis shoes for a fat suit?

So I opened the car door, I stepped out, I adjusted my shirt, my sweater, I avoided the puddles in the parking lot and I told myself 10, maybe 20-minutes on the bike.  NO more than 30-minutes.  So when 30-minutes showed on the readout I got up.  I did it.  I wasn't impressed with myself because I knew I could do more.  Lots more.  But I wasn't on the couch depressed.  And I knew why I was there.  I hated feeling this way and had for years, but now I've run out of excuses.  Even I don't believe myself anymore.

It was a small victory, but it was mine.

With only 30-minutes on the bike I had time to grocery shop.  We had all the staples but we needed meats and sides.  I was hungry.  Grocery shopping 101 says never go hungry.  But my outlook was different.  So I knew I could do it.  I've done it before.  I love grocery shopping without the kids.  The first 10-years of our marriage I didn't appreciate it.  But now... I live for it!

I stayed to the outside of the store avoiding all the boxed stuff.  Though I did grab granola in a carton as well as Wheat Thins but hey, I didn't get fat overnight and I won't get fit overnight.  ;)  I splurged on some port wine cheese and wine but if I've learned anything in my nearly 40-years it's that diets suck, they aren't practical and everyone eventually fails at them.

Food isn't just fuel, it's fun.  God made it beautiful.  Man made it bland and ugly and we've excepted it.  Yes a Thin Mint tastes great, but they don't make my mouth water like a perfect apple or a sweet orange.  And though I won't turn a few down, I'll leave the box for another time instead of one sitting.  ;)

This picture I took today of just a few things I bought.  I realize it's silly to take photos of food, unless of course you're a foodie.  :)  But I didn't take this for my blog, I posted it on my desk top to remind me of what's behind the fridge doors and cabinets.  
I keep some of the fruits out, but the twins would eat them up in a day if I didn't put some of it back.  And the veggies sometimes go bad because I forget.  But on my desk top I pass by it each day and remember, "Hey, I have an eggplant I need to cook and peppers that would go great in stir fry."  And isn't it pretty?  I've never seen a box of anything look this good.  

Homemade wine in the background rounds the picture off nicely.  ;) 

1 comment:

  1. Good for you lady! Be happy :) I am going to tell you honestly after a while you won't feel right not doing something active. Unfortunately I am back in the rut of not exercising, and won't be able to for a few more months but years later processed foods have a horrible aftertaste, to the point you don't even want to try a bite

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